Short of a picnic

The Telegraph today carries a story so breathtakingly outlandish that at first I doubted it could be true.

It concerns a Mr Frank Hughes, who runs a small scaffolding company in Bootle, Merseyside. Some weeks ago, Mr Hughes received a letter from Liverpool City Council’s environmental waste department, asking him to declare the waste he produced. Not surprisingly, given the nature of his business, Mr Hughes replied that he didn’t produce any.

Some time later, a council inspector called. Mr Hughes takes up the story:

“There was no warning, he just bounded in and demanded to inspect our waste.

“He accused us of lying and said there are dire consequences for trying to avoid having a proper licence.”

Mr Hughes claimed the official was simply looking for reasons to charge him, rather than conceding that he was acting within the law.

He said: “I remembered that my wife had made me cheese sandwiches that day so I produced the cling film and said, ‘the only waste here comes from my sarnie wrappers’.

“But he jumped on that saying, ‘Well that’s waste!’ He also asked if we drank tea and when I said ‘yes’ he told me that tea bags were also classed as waste.

“It was laughable really, I thought he was joking. We take the wrappers and bags back home with us at night.

“But he said we should pay for a licence and save them up for a week and then call them for collection. I showed him the door and he said we’d be getting a £300 fine.”

Asked for a comment, a Liverpool City Council spokesman said that it was “only following the rules laid down by Whitehall”.

He continued:

“He needs to set up a Trade Waste Agreement for someone to take away his rubbish.

“We’re trying to work with Mr Hughes to avoid him having to pay a fine. This is national legislation – all we’re doing is enforcing it.”

Actually, that was the wrong answer. The right answer would have been:

“We deeply regret, and unreservedly apologise for, the oppressive approach adopted by the officious jobsworth we sent to Mr Hughes’s premises.

“The official in question has been sent on an attitude adjustment course and will never be allowed to darken Mr Hughes’s door again.”

Too much to ask for, of course.